So much has happened since last writing. Things have also been happening without mention, previously. I don't know where to start.

My ex has swerved back into my life, in the  I need you, who else makes me feel better, I just need someone who cares to understand me or let me chill out... and then she's back on the prowl in a little black dress bringing her "ex" to the print reception I was at the other night. I was pissed. 

They came in together, but she came up to me, making a very public embrace of me, commenting that I smell so good in front of her. I was being glared at, not to mention- The last time her ex and I had been in the same building together, it was at the club, and I was drunk at the bar being threatened that I'd get my ass kicked or my face fucked up if I ever touched my ex again.

In the course of their "breaking up",  my ex had started hanging out, took my cat (our cat?) to the vet, gave me the firefighter's key to her house (yes, she left me for a firefighter, and they had just returned each other's house key) and was keeping him there, to be in solitude for resting.

She told me I could go there whenever I wanted, and that she'd give him his shots and look after him, etc.

So the weekend came, and I was worried about him since she was out during the day, and stripping all night... She didn't give him is medicine or feed him- plus she went out of town for the day, and I was going to her place finding it untouched, with the cat doing flips because someone was finally there to see him. She was avoiding my calls and texts. I just wanted to know how to give him the meds, and was wondering why she didnt call to tell me she'd be unable to do the things the promised, so she could have him at her place.

I got pissed and took him back to my house, and it turned into a huge fight with her screaming at me, etc... a lot of drama.... detour.

Anyway, I've been ignoring her for the last few days and it's been driving her crazy. She wanted to know why I was angry with her so she could fix it, so I told her there is no fixing it. Especially after her parade at the reception. I didn't want the fucking key to her house!

That girl only makes me upset. I get my hopes up way too much around her... she's not good at being platonic friends. She has cheated on all of her gf's since we started dating, with me. She doesn't seem to be attracted to me anymore since she cheated on the firefighter with me. Guess that put her in gear. She even had the audacity to ask me if I tricked her into sleeping with me so they'd break up!

She had no idea that was the most mortifying, heart-breaking moment of my life. To realize my love regretted being with me again after all those months... That my dreams were finally coming true and instantly becoming the most hellacious nightmare.

I don't know what it is about her that has got me so hooked. I can barely remember details of our sex anymore. I don't want to think about our sex. 

I don't know what to think when it comes to her. I just want to be lost from her. I want to stop this sadness that encircles me about her. I wonder if she will ever realize I was the one?

We had dinner tonight, which was civil. I scratch your back you scratch mine.

Sometimes I feel like our relationship has turned into a business transaction.