get out, get out, get out - jason molina

I am slowly, but elaborately getting things done. I play music in public "uptown" (it's stupid, believe me. They don't want to call it downtown because it is so close to where the black people are. White folks feel better near the courthouse and call themselves "uptown" and hold celebrations to publicize themselves. Nobody is interested in holding downtown near the train tracks except vintage/antique/rummage stores, a comic book store, a small skate ramp park, some radical religious group meeting places with wall papered windows, a 24-7 Beach Bingo, a pawn shop and the gay club.

There used to be a couple little scene venues which always got shut down by the cops for code violations, fighting, and underage drinking. I dare say I've grown out of going to places like that, but I've been so busy and I don't have the time to waste the money on drinking so I feel guilty and stay home and love being at my new house...

Anyway, I've been spending time in the "uptown" doing a student internship at a non profit art gallery for college credits. I really like it, although I can never seem to turn the homework in on time because I basically had to teach myself Adobe Illustrator and get better at photoshop and  realizing there was an artistic element to Word- which makes me happy but makes me ocd as fuck.

So, the people who put it together and are in charge of the place are a nice lesbian couple, one of which is my professor, their best friend and a committee of artsy fartsy yuppies who like to have a helping hand in keeping it running.

I've never had a lesbian professor or boss before. She is very professional. I admire her for being so caring and diligent with her project. It has really made big steps in the last 7 or 8 years or so.

I get to sit at the counter, tally up the people who come in each hour, ring up customers (who buy mostly nice ceramics), hang out with the girl in charge of me (who is quiet but cool and one of the few people who actually get paid) organize and clean lots of things.

There is a store front, two exhibition galleries, ceramic studios, a photo studio, and general classrooms. 

Anyway. I need to stop rambling and do homework instead of this.

lw took the last one, it is my favorite

My theme song lately.

I've Been Riding With The Ghos...

Jason Molina we must find each other and make music. You are almost perfect.

Nervous Bride - Songs:Ohia

I don't know what's harder. The initial reoccurance of your crazy mother, or when she weeps for you incessantly but still doesn't get why things were not in her favor to begin with.

I have been immobile most of the week. I've been having to take medicine to keep myself from bursting into tears, although I generally try not to take them. I hate that I am prescribed a bottle of crutch because I can't keep my mind from replaying clips of scenes, sounds and feelings. It's like astrally projecting yourself in broad daylight to that unescapable head space when you realize you are actually on  real-time schedule or people are slightly confused politely waiting for you.

Luckily my professors don't give me much shit for some reason, but I have that hollowing feeling that I've failed so badly this time around. Maybe not failed 100% but failed in the sense that I let myself be too distracted for too long over things that were triggering my anxiety. Or procrastination. or maybe I shouldn't be in school, but goddamnit, I just want to be done. I want to move on. I guess I just want to escape, and grad school is the only way I can see myself getting out and actually fulfilling my dreams or fantasies or my soul's calling. I don't know. I just feel so much bigger than all this, yet I am still humbled. Praying I don't fucking jinx myself.

I need to become a production machine

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