It always weirds me out a bit when I have hetero ideas towards guys. I avoid the awkwardness because I spend my time mostly with other queers.
Sometimes I find myself attracted to guys after spend a lot of time with them, or when they are charismatic, good looking and intelligent(That goes for girls too).In the past year I've decided it's probably best to avoid acknowledging any attraction towards them. First of all, if I am even bringing myself to that scenario, I am usually confident that the vibe is likewise. I feel really dumb whenever I have hetero thoughts. I become this sort of maternal (in the sense of overly caring or catering to their comfort- I have an instinctive caring knack for the most part. Also, my mom was very strict in making me submissive to my brothers and father growing up) little girl (I envision myself as naive) and hence, I don't like to see myself as anything less than strong, so I can't swallow that feeling.
Secondly, after #1 step in hetero confession occurs, the boys change and start nudging towards sex or letting them touch my body, which is sometimes flattering, but mostly makes me extremely uncomfortable.
I have had sex with multiple guys trying to figure out if it was me being gay for real or if it was a product of molestation trauma. I have loved men for who they are, but I have never been with a guy (with the exception of the first boy I had concentual sex with when I first turned 15, although the feelings were less guilty and disgusted with him- I also was still being molested around the same time and finally gained the light to speak up for myself and end it. Obviously in that case I was curious to experience unrelated hetero sex and I was still Ýoung and naïve.That boy broke my trust by breaking up with me for cutting my hair short and was apparently interested in one of my close friends at the time. Regular petty high school drama.
I have acknowledged my attraction towards other women when I was in the 6th grade watching a Tori Amos video. My first gf was in 7th grade when I was 12 and my first french kiss with another girl was when I was 13 because she kissed me first.
Tbc... Must sleep.
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3 comments:
Some believe total female submission to a man is the most potent form of domination. At least, to me, it often feels that way...
well is ur lesbianism a product of molestation, out of hatred towards men, to make a point that you dont need men, or simply because you love women?
is it simply to make a statement?
I'm queer so i think its important to figure it all out. and just because i am queer or someone else is, i don't think it should be a means to put ourselves in a box. it's okay to be with or fall for a male.
its sort of unhealthy to say "Im a lesbian! therefore i will not let myself fall for a man!"
I do not hate men, I am a lesbian because I am more attracted to women than men and feel . I have a long time of deciphering still coming on before I know exactly why I feel the ways I do or why my logic makes sense until it is changed..
Until then, I can't really explain myself cause there's miles of writing that I leave out in between because it is really hard for me to sit down and discipline myself to get it out cause I feel like I am directing my attention towards experiencing everything I possibly can so I can say I've had that experience, I have that insight and I can make links between things.
I know nothing is ever constant in time and I wouldn't be surprised if there were to be another guy who could charm me.
I am nowhere near being done explaining myself so am not trying to be judged here, and have the right to write what I am trying to understand in terms of my own feelings. A blog is not a professional published essay or anything. I really hope anyone who reads this does not think anything I write is tattooed in my proclamation of life cause I'm not dead yet, so I'm not done.
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