This might be huge to load

One of my brothers is about to be a father for the first time soon.
My mom had me help her look through old photo albums to find his baby pictures.
I found some others that I'd like to share.

Some of my mother when she was younger- I am always amazed and so proud of her beauty and strength, even if she seems to forget herself. She will not allow photographs of herself now.

Then I'm including some of me as a little girl/baby. I like seeing myself with my Mexican family. Although I have experienced racism against me for being "white", it's been nowhere near as worse or evil as my white family has been. Honestly. I'd rather dismiss my white family and only claim my mexican family if I could, which is sad. They were the ones to embrace me most and show me unconditional love and interest/value in education, culture, and art.

Also showing myself as a little girl because it kind of breaks my heart to see the little creature I used to be, and then knowing the rest of the back story. I was molested between ages 5-15, so it's hard not to think about that when I see myself back then. Who would've ever guessed?

Shit I am still struggling with. I am trying to bring it to the surface again, and trying to get this sick, upset feeling to change. I'm just scared that it will never go away. Ten years of my life. I don't know how I dealt. Well, I do. I had many different mechanisms, but how I kept it such a secret, I don't know. I can't think about it anymore.

The thing is, my mother was molested in her childhood as well... and yet, she still believes women should be submissive and depend on men. (which is ironic how she bosses my dad around.)

____________________
Here are some beautiful images.
My mother and I.

I love this. My mother holding me and my brothers in front of us.




I still make this face.

I also still make this face.

Traveling




My family.

My cousin and I with tumbleweeds. I love this.



My parents


Mi Madre, 7th grade

Mom, Grandma, Aunt Cat in Spain

She may as well be Sylvia Plath in my mind

She grew up poor in Los Angeles, 1st generation American (This is her paternal grandmother? and some of her siblings. She's the one in the pool to the far left.)