Le Sigh. Oh Geez, rather. I'm not sure... So life has been spinning, on a roll again, just not the one I would like to be on, but I've been thinking. I've been so busy taking care of personal life stuff between trying to remain in all seriousness with the rest of my undergraduate degree earning process.

I just moved. After 3 years of living in the old haunted "mansion", I have evacuated myself to somewhere I am hoping to be more peaceful, energizing, and productive. The crazy thing is that I am living with Little Wolf. Never before have I ever "officially" cohabited with a partner, yet the time has come. I guess.

It makes me a little nervous actually, although I think everything will smooth out and this place will be home. It's definitely nicer. Better kept maintenance wise... actually, all around it's a more stable place than the decrepit obliterating house I couldn't keep up with. One thing after another was going horribly wrong and i was spending all my time and money trying to massacre multitudes of insects, patch walls, seal cracks, sweep the house (yes, i had to sweep because the carpet there had so much sand embedded in it that every vacuum cleaner we had, short of a shop vac, was overtaken) etc and so on jesus christ I can not even list the shit that I was occupied doing stressing over that house trying to find a comfortable homeostasis but everything was spiraling into bigger dominoes and fucking shit mold and rot holes in my floors and walls. I could look down into my floor and see mother earth and her cold moldy atmosphere of under the house.

It really makes me pretty depressed. I cried 2 days in a row over the old house after moving into my new place and becoming psychologically demonstrative along the way. As well as towards my friends regardless of their company or our friendship and I was spitting demons of honesty in their faces or not able to say anything at all, except feeling bad for feeling weird or whatever what have you.

In this move, I also found some old notebooks I had when I was younger. I hated re-reading them in the past, but this time, I was really curious what little me had to say. Even some stuff from when I was 12-14 had me like, damn, what the fuck was this little girl talking about? Although I seemed to understand exactly everything I had to say... I think I'll post some for the hell of it. Not that it is oh my god amazing or anything, mostly it sounds like I was the most pissed off little angsty depressed kid on earth. Keep in mind I was in the middle of a 10 year molestation and my favorite band at the time was Hole. Courtney Love was my mother until I was around 16. I only really mention this because I can see how I was influenced by her greatly. I am not sure what I would'e turned out like had I not had Live Through This, My Body The Hand Grenade and Pretty On the Inside. Those were the ones I mostly listened to. Productively, Hole kinda faded away after Celebrity Skin anyway. It was time.

I also listened to a lot of Tori Amos in middle school and high school. She's actually the first woman to make me realize I was gay. I was in the 6th or 7th grade and I was watching her video for Crucify and realized her simultaneous playing and fucking on the piano was quite all right with me.

Anyway. I've said enough. I just had to say *something* since little me had so much to say. I think she might be a little intimidating.