Tonight I cooked dinner of cheese/spinach tortellini with faux chicken. I had no idea that would make little wolf so excited. I'm thinking it will be easier to cut out the meat while dating this girl.. at least cutting back significantly... it makes her happy. I do have a guilty conscience... but i also have that crazy carnivorous need to fulfill.
I think it's keeping me from giving into my fantasies of violence involving flesh.
heh.


While I was drunk, I told my closest cousin about being molested. She actually predicted it, which surprised me. She told me when she was way younger, my brother was playing "doctor" or something of the sort with her, and I guess my other brother(?/ a cousin?) and some adult found them and got them in trouble.

She says I should start talking to my niece about different types of touching... My niece is almost 3 and is putting together words and beginning to talk. I am incredibly attached to her. She's the only female child of my brother's kids... and yes, it was her daddy who molested me.

He acts like nothing happened. He has made a few semi- sexual comments around me and the babies (with no one else around) that have made me uncomfortable... but I swear to fucking god... If I ever find out he's touching my baby- (I know she's not mine, but she might as well be) I will fucking slice his dick off and shove it down his throat. I have made up so many scenarios of what I could possibly do to him, just in case I ever have any inkling that he's doing ANYTHING to his daughter.
I would rather him suffer old age of being dismembered pondering what he could've done to respect us. I think it would be hard not to kill him.

I can't think too much about that cause that crazy flesh part of me starts grinning it's evil tooth grin. My adrenaline gets to be unhealthy. I really shouldn't admit anything like this. just in case.
but I think I've got it under control.

Plus I can't assume he's being a fucker. Maybe he did get better. Maybe I was enough for him. Maybe it was genetic. My mom's dad did it to her. Probably did it to my mom's sister's too, but I don't know about that. He and my grandma split up cause he was fucking the maid.


A few people have told me I need to confront my brother about this now that I'm older. I still don't think I can. I have ignored the issue around him since I told him to stop when I was 15. It took me that long because I finally had my first real boyfriend and I was having real sex and I finally realized I could put my foot down. That it wasn't supposed to be happening with my brother because I had it happening healthy with someone it was supposed to be happening with. I finally could feel a difference.

My cousin works for the Orange County district attorney and she says there's something about incestuous molesting. That most of the cases regarding molestation are linked to Mexican men. I'm sure it's a generalization. I'm sure they're the only ones really getting caught. I really wonder how many men (in general) are molesting girls they are related to. I'm sure it's some sick instinctual craving they can't ignore. It must be something instinctual. I can only think of these men as male animals. trying to mate. trying to impregnate. Not really thinking about the consequences or impregnating their sisters or daughters or nieces or granddaughters. It's just a sick-fuck fulfillment.

If only I could go on some sort of vigilante rampage against these men. I want to save all the kids getting fucked by their families. I want to encircle all of them into my safety. I wish I had that safety.