She always wears little dresses when we make plans to meet up. She wants me to try them on when we're alone in my room so she can 'ooo' , 'aaah' and giggle that she surrendered me from my, arms-crossed, straight-faced stance into a flowy dress- in which i look like an awkward, pretty girl.
She's only been successful once, on Valentines'- I was fairly tipsy, and her dress was black and sexy. I took it off soon after and with my furrowed brow, insisted that I was too scruff, or, as she likes to joke with me, 'hardcore'- whatever that means in regards to how people view me, or women "too cool"/awkward for wearing dresses.

I don't like to be a spectacle when I'm doing something "girly" or "normal" like being a girl in a dress. My mother didn't teach me how to be a normal girl. My mother sent me to etiquette school, my mom kicked my ass when I was un-lady like. My MOM was hardcore. I was humiliated, braided and silenced that part of my life. I didn't understand why I couldn't take it easy and do 'real' things like my brothers. I hated being a girl. It was uncomfortable and against my will.

I grew up feeling so fucking weird around other girls. Could've been me being gay at a young age, or maybe I just wasn't socialized like the rest of them. I was raised to be a little adult. I was very mature and well-behaved.
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So last night I'm on a date. She's in a pretty dress and she's snuggled up next to me with her knees up in my direction, and her feet on the seat. I'm always fascinated when I find her so beautiful. Her fingers seem perfect to me, as does her mouth, skin, legs and breasts. I want to slide my hand up under her arched thighs and I want to touch her in the cinema darkness. I wonder if anyone can see where my hands are? Can anyone see that I too, am a girl? Has anyone already picked up on us? Is anyone secretly staring?

I'm staring at her. She's hiding her eyes from the screen. She's so innocent, she still gets nightmares from scary movies.

Time progresses into this afternoon. We're still naked in my bed. We've been lazy and sexy and she didn't know Charles Manson made music before his killer mastermind cult days. So I put on some of his music (not that I'm a huge fan or anything. I think it's ironic to listen to his music and think about the way he turned out to be. If you ask me, it was Napoleon syndrome like a mother fucker. Besides, the bastard is racist, so that dwindles his cool killer connection points greatly.) Then I put on some Devendra Banhart, since he reminds me of Manson vocally (except better) and since she'd never heard him.

We commenced to being playful lovers... I guess I shouldn't have said this, but she was sitting on top of me, and I said
"It's a good thing I don't have a dick."
she- "haha, yeah, cause i'd totally be pregnant!"
"haha, for sure." (Im thinking I'd have a million babies all over the world) "or, wait, I could just fuck you in the ass!"

Then it got all serious, and she's like, "Have you ever been fucked in the ass?"
I like to be honest with people in general. I have a great problem of letting my guard down around women I'm in physical/emotional entanglements with. I decide not to answer. She's still on top of me staring down at me. I'm looking at her mouth and her tits and her mouth and her eyes... and she's still waiting. I panic and cover my head with my arms and she pries them away from me and tells me we've been having sex long enough for me to be able to tell her if I've ever been fucked in the ass.

Before, whenever I was in an intimate group of people talking about shit like this, I fess up, and admit that I have- whatever, that it made me feel like I wanted to shit instantly, etc.

She's like, hounding me for this answer, and I don't want to fess up and describe my experience for her... because, how do I tell this sweet innocent girl that the huge raging dick that fucked my ass belonged to one of my family members????

All of this is running through my mind, and she's moved to being naked beside me... I realize that I am slightly tearing up and freaking out inside. Mainly because I am disgusted that I was disrespected to that degree as a developing girl, and that those things don't even amount to the extent of what else was done to me. Nothing was really sacred to me when it came to my body and sexual experiences growing up. I explained that to her when we were talking about loosing her virginity. She played hard to get and wanted it to be perfect.

I took everyone else's, it seemed.

So I never did tell her. I thought about texting her later, but don't know what good it would do. I don't want her to pity me. I know she won't know what to say. She will think she's being understanding, when really, she's careful and sweet- which is why I am still letting her be 'close' to me (besides the fact that she's fucking gorgeous naked, and amazingly hott when she's fucking me). She just really has no idea about me, even if I told her, I don't think it would make me feel better, cause I know how protected her life as been... and I know she has nothing to offer me besides an apology and an embrace.

I guess I am trying to find the next solution, and it's frustrating because I think that comes from myself.