Today's my last day at the beach back home. Also my dad's birthday.
Yesterday was odd in that I woke up to Jazz calling me at 9 am, missing me and wanting to hang out. I go through my day, I get in bed and start going into sleep mode- to be woken up by a drunken jazz at her friend's house... saying she misses me again- but, also wondering when I'm coming back to gville and what time my old work closed.

I know it shouldn't but it weirds me out when she contacts me. It makes me really sad, actually, and I guess I just get weird afterwards. I just feel like she still has the power to manipulate me, and I'd rather just disappear and be anonymous until it passes. Let her live her life without me until she realizes what she's lost, or has decided to exclude herself from.

We used to be best friends... we used to also be siamese lovers, but that's not acceptable anymore.

But she. She won't allow herself to loose me. She's got to keep me around somehow, even if it's forcing a friendship between us. I am not really sure what was wrong with our friendship before- besides the fact that we were constantly fucking. I can't really be "friends" with her. It's too hard, and we know each other too well. For me, it always turns into hope that maybe she will remember the connection, or find me desirable again. It always turns into her using that to her advantage whenever she needs something from me or finds herself too lonely with what/who she's got.

And what the fuck ever. Can't I just fly away and fucking stop hurting? We broke up nearly a year ago and I do really well for the most part in living my own life, and experiencing everything/one I decide to- which (I just have to laugh) is one the problems we both had when we were together (both being extremely jealous of each other's situations), but back then, she was clueless of just how madly in love I was with her. I guess that's my fault.

I guess the whole thing was fucked up, and that's why we are where we are. I just don't want the ending of our fairy-tale to be under her direction/decisions. i really hate when she calls the shots. I feel like she's not really real anymore, but that's a different subject, and probably the hardest part of letting it just go.

(yeah I ripped this from the internet. I have no baby ninja or russian blue photos on my computer)


I guess now I will tell you about my dream. I dreamt I gave birth to a kitten- which is actually funny cause it was the sweetest little kitten on earth. It was a Russian Blue like one of my cats now, Ninja (The only surviving cat from the 'me/jazz kittens-for-baby-sons-time-pd').

In the dream, I don't recall conception with anyone/anything. It was just one of those random, 'oh shit, I'm giving birth!' moments. I kept forgetting about the kitten, then rushing back to make sure it was fed and alive. I missed an important printmaking appointment/meeting? because of this, and I was trying to figure out how exactly I would explain what had happened. That was about it.