Tomorrow is Little Wolfs birthday. 

I want to wear a big bulging strap on and some tight stiff jeans.

I don't know what else I could do. I wish I could actually do it. We agreed there needed to be a new  dildo for my harness (so we wouldn't use the one I had with my ex).  

My ex hates the idea of me using it with other people.

And I admit, I've probably used it with 3 other people, but always used condoms, even when I was with her.

Anyway, the point is I have no money and it is sucking for sex toys.

However.

The sex continues to get better. 

It's refreshing that this attraction is working out in this direction.

It's been months since I looked forward to regular sex with anyone. I think Little Wolf is actually getting my mind off the ex, who I do still think about, even when I am with her, but it's more of a reflective, sad kind of,  'That's too bad,' feeling, rather than, my life dying with the end of us.

Otherwise, I am having such a hard time focusing on my art or school work. I can't seem to do anything. I am trying to give up cigarettes and meat again. Realizing my body has adjusted to adderal. I have been on it for over 2 years now, and about a month ago, my dosage was just upped 10 extra milligrams a day. 

I get migraines and nauseous when I don't take it. I can't sleep, I can't function. I have withdrawal symptoms. I am sure Little Wolf was a little nervous the other night when I was so wrestles and couldn't move and just wanted to sleep and couldn't have sex with her.

She still had sex with me, and she was being comforting. but I was in hell. It felt like there was this massive tumor of void floating around in my brain making all the people chattering suffocate and chatter faster.

I had to take a klonopin to knock myself out, but I hate self medicating with other medications I try not to take but have just in case.

I am trying to figure out if the medication even helps me anymore, or if it is too late. I am not sure what to do about it. I am scared I won't be able to do anything (not that I am being very productive now- I think I am depressed without the sadness?) and I am afraid of the withdrawal, but I just want to fucking clean my system and feel good again.