.
Let's see. I do not have a girlfriend. I never asked her to be mine once I got back.
I didn't think it was the right time to start talking about love. Let me make sure I know what I'm babbling about before I say it. Don't let me get your hopes up.

Yet at the same time, I should be willing to sacrifice these parts of myself for an honestly good spirit, inquisitive soul. Someone who is artistic and naturally beautiful in multiple ways.

Oh man oh man, it feels so sad to break someone's heart without them knowing. Even harder with this anxiety about telling her, and this fear that she will convince herself to only see the fuckface side of me and tell me to get lost cause she deserves better than this.

I am guilty, so guilty- especially since she told me a week ago or so that even though we aren't "together" she would no doubt, be truly hurt and upset if I were to sleep with another person.

The polyamory talk didn't go so well afterwards, and I have to respect that. My fear of commitment/ attachment to personal freedom has made it much easier for me to be indecisive and selfish. Now I find myself in love with two people.

My emotions are very much tied to sex with both of these women, and my admiration for them as strong, worthwhile individuals adds even more attraction. Not to mention my history with them, and how they are the two I care about most. It is easy to appreciate the differences between them. They are similar in parallel universes.

I wish this wouldn't hurt anyone. It was just about being close again, not about being together again- but when do, or when will I draw those boundaries? When will I stop resisting and surrender myself to another who is fresh and new for a change?

Why am I so scared to cut myself off from her? I am afraid to loose her, and I can't bare to see her upset. I guess this is the first time someone has challenged her for a place in my heart.
A place inside of me

I guess I'm just stressed

I have returned from Richmond! I had a fantastic time. I would have lots to say if this weren't the place where I feel compelled to get all my relationship shit out.

One of the last nights I was away, I went back to the hotel early after the bar, and ended up talking to little wolf on aim. She decided she didn't want to  have sex with me anymore, that something was emotionally lacking from me. That she doesn't want me only concerned with fucking her. I told her she needed to go off and find a little girlfriend to fall in love with.

We went in circles about that. I tried explaining to her that I don't want to sit around talking about feelings when I could be expressing them in a way that benefits her as well... That I do have feelings for her...

And somehow it turned into me telling her I'm falling for her?

Which, I guess- I am. I am not really interested in having sex with anyone else at the moment. I just like having the option being open.... like the idea of not having to report back to someone details about whatever I decide to to. I like the idea of doing what I want without someone holding me back.

But. I am really into her sex, and my body responds like crazy when she's around... so obviously, that means something.

Her side is that she doesn't like the idea of us being on different emotional levels. She would rather remove herself than deal with me making her feel insecure. She is scared that I am going to run off on her again.

And who knows? I might. I can't promise anything. I am always honest for the time being. That's my biggest point. I think waiting around for feelings to match up is fairly unrealistic...  Especially since we are in two separate life points. I've experienced so much more than she has, but she's eager to learn- which is good. 

She is finally opening her eyes to life outside of her parents house, and having sex with someone for the first time (I'm the only one she's ever been with) and I've been having sex since I was 13 or 14, and my numbers are a quite a bit larger. Not that I hold that over her in a form of numbers, but sex with people effects emotional growth in so many ways.

I just don't value sex the same ways that she does. I can take sex as something intimate, and I enjoy having that with someone, but I also understand sex as something of getting to know someone, or having mutual fun without the heart wrenching bull shit. It's not as big of a deal to me.

I have absolutely no problem with multiple partners... Something she says she doesn't think she could do with me due to jealousy.  I love the idea of polyamory but she needs the security of monogomy.

I don't want to stop fucking her. Point blank. I especially want to fuck her more when she is being resistant. I know this is her trap, and I know I probably will fall for her. I want to take my time on that.

I am trying to convince her to simply let it be what it is. Let's not complicate it. Trust my sincerity... 

I care about you a lot. I want to fuck you all the time. I want you cumming because of me . I want to touch you/ I want to taste you/ I want you to do the same to me. Can't we keep this on the basis of instincts? Your body understands!!

I get wet just watching her walk. She's been my inspiration for masturbation more so than any other these days.

Her fingers are so delicate, but yet so... lesbian. 

She loves it. she loves it so obviously that I can't concentrate on anything but another new mission of getting her in my bed.

So I can watch her mouth move / so we can be soft/ so she can't hold herself up over my face cause she's overwhelmed with what's happening/  asking me what the Fuck I am doing to her

 She smells so sweet/ puts her tongue right inside my mouth/ She goes straight down without questioning/ finds herself sucking me/fucking me/ biting me/pushing down on me/ holding me

 I'm thinking she is such a fast learner. This is always my thought.  I guess staying a virgin until you are almost 19 leaves much time to premeditate on what you'd like to do to a woman. I just can't imagine it. I felt awkward with women for years before I felt like I could confidently take one into my hands and know I knew what I was doing.

She is in bloom and I am in heat

I want her to think of nothing but fucking me

i gave him every opportunity

So yesterday, there was basically this printmaking supply merchant fair type thing...

It was pretty crowded, but I saw this really cute girl from across the way... We made eye contact and both looked away. 

etc etc the rest of the day went on.

Went out with the group last night for Ethiopian food, which smelled fucking fantastic from the outside, so I was excited.

I was more excited to see that one of their specialty dishes called "Kitfo" which was described as raw/rare/medium beef with seasonings, etc.

I was like fuck yeah, and then it came out in this ground up blobby meat mass... eh. As much of a carnivore as I am, I could only stomach so much of it before I physically couldn't eat it anymore. I was trying to think of it as mind over matter, but the matter won.

It was actually good, I think the ground brain texture, the fact that it was cold and that we had already started drinking, killed it for me.

Had it been strips of beef, I think I could've handled it better. Wouldn't have even minded that it was cold that way. But ground? no.

....

SO we went to this bar afterwards, and lo and behold- there was the girl from earlier playing pool with some guys. I couldn't tell if she was into them, but I kept finding us catching eye contact again- which was held a bit longer. 

Yet, I was too chicken to talk to her, and was still assessing the "situation" from a distance.

The night progressed into many beers and jokes, started meeting people from everywhere. Decided I wanted to play darts with one of the grad students I'd been hanging out with all night, which turned into a mighty mass of people joining up. 

It got to the point where I couldn't stop staring at the girl from earlier whenever she wasn't looking, and I told my friends I was into her, but couldn't talk to her.

Then somehow, magically, around last call she came to me and we started talking.

She graduated from the university of the Museum of fine arts (?) in Boston, and she's a papermaker/printmaker.

She explained how she makes her paper, and we kept the talk pretty "professonal" but it was definite eye contact, and of course, me being drunk, I'm staring at her mouth as she speaks.

She followed us to a diner after that, but then disappeared into a taxi...

So I'm a little curious?

I want to see her again!!

god girls drive me insane.