I don't know what's harder. The initial reoccurance of your crazy mother, or when she weeps for you incessantly but still doesn't get why things were not in her favor to begin with.

I have been immobile most of the week. I've been having to take medicine to keep myself from bursting into tears, although I generally try not to take them. I hate that I am prescribed a bottle of crutch because I can't keep my mind from replaying clips of scenes, sounds and feelings. It's like astrally projecting yourself in broad daylight to that unescapable head space when you realize you are actually on  real-time schedule or people are slightly confused politely waiting for you.

Luckily my professors don't give me much shit for some reason, but I have that hollowing feeling that I've failed so badly this time around. Maybe not failed 100% but failed in the sense that I let myself be too distracted for too long over things that were triggering my anxiety. Or procrastination. or maybe I shouldn't be in school, but goddamnit, I just want to be done. I want to move on. I guess I just want to escape, and grad school is the only way I can see myself getting out and actually fulfilling my dreams or fantasies or my soul's calling. I don't know. I just feel so much bigger than all this, yet I am still humbled. Praying I don't fucking jinx myself.

I need to become a production machine