photobooth tragik

2010-06-30T17:08:00.013-04:00

I see the lack of vowel sound in lightning
on the face of a two faced
cadaver
staring at me
facing myself
overflowing with flesh
yet
the signs of evil and free
a best horrible friend
ridiculing myself for not remaining in rain
interchanges between
remembering
play/dates
and atrocities
to others
slaughtered in history
I obsess over
in order to send
the most constructive memories that have been
made from horror and sorrow to build something
so much greater in aspects of prevention and defense
than the stillness of reflection
that prohibits production

Will I come to find me

struck dumb by the lightning

for years to remember

disabling the thing?

all of the layouts
I have both involuntarily
and much so voluntarily
etched inside my brain

How many returns can be made before they realize this?
You changed all the pricing to retail's disliking

decision for breaking

you
pray to be delivered?

What can be bought/ How many sold?
Your dick's in my fist/ i was sucking my thumb
I am molting my skin

2010-06-29T00:43:00.002-04:00

ASH HARRELL ART

2010-06-23T20:02:00.001-04:00

I've finally made a blog strictly for my (more viewer friendly/possibly sellable) artwork.
There I will post works and discuss ordering options until I make an etsy account.
The new art blog, (in case you have interest in following), is ASH HARRELL ART @ BLOGSPOT .

2010-06-13T18:23:00.011-04:00

***EDIT FROM THE LAST POST*

When I was looking through butterflies to figure out what kind it was, I contacted the NC coordinator of moth and butterfly tracking, records and identification.

He said, "It is obviously a Little Metalmark, the only species of metalmark within 300 or more miles. We keep records of this rare species. Do you recall more detailed directions? Specific date?

This is the first report of the species in NC this year. Good find."

I am kinda let down that it wasn't an Arizona metalmark, but glad that I was the first one to report a "little" one.

Summer begins

2010-06-12T17:50:00.008-04:00

*I deleted the butterfly photo in this post bc I mislabeled it. It is correctly labeled in the next post

2010-05-31T23:30:00.000-04:00

Is there a family that doesn't need therapy?

So many things are making sense with my anger management problems. My parents don't communicate, just bitch and yell at each other. I seriously think they'd be better off separated or divorced. I hope I NEVER treat my spouse like this 27 years down the road.

Can't wait to get back to my own place. Estherhaus accidentally caught a third of our front porch on fire in which the fire dept. came and put it out/chain-sawed it all away. Caution tape is wrapped around from the pix I've seen.

I miss our cats and our garden.

2010-05-18T22:49:00.001-04:00

It's been hard translating again. It's turning into a chore trying to concentrate on what I need to be doing. I think about it all the time. The Universe has been telling me something, or whispers of something I will know when I come to that point... In real human time I am still trying to graduate on year six of undergraduate school and wonder if I have the stamina to even do this. I get all cynical about printmaking and art. I got caught up in the constructivists and wanting movements and things. Then I wondered why I was wasting my time not being a farmer or a trucker or experiencing everything instead of being responsible to have to stick around to the confines of this town. Or wanting to jump ahead the occupational ladder or run away even though I am suddenly in my mid-twenties and an independent adult?

I read my astrological birth chart for the first time in my life and thought it was interesting how it talks about my past present and future in sort of a present tense. Something about predetermined manifestation. I want someone who explains charts to be my friend. I guess I could read up on it but I am stressing about other things constantly for what reasons?

I keep cycling between thoughts about saving the environment and having hope that humanity will remember how to use their more spiritual powers (in terms of awareness and positive energy) vs. the feeling that most people are too stupid anyway and its time for a lot of chaos and anarchy and survival of the fittest. I want to laugh when everyone starts to panic and then I want to see what I could manage to manifest in order for survival. Who would make it, how the packs will divide between good and evil when the strong are left- or if some sort of deus ex machina wipes us all out- me included, just like any other mere flesh creature.

Then what happens in the afterlife? Who knows? I imagine we will all disband into countless energy particles, reconfiguring with the chemical and physical formula of whatever it attracts or repels. The possibilities are limitless, and I am up for being disbanded into a lot of things. I know I am full of all sorts of dynamic dualities that my current state has and is accumulating through genetics, cause and effect of experience, degradation and upkeep.

When I get like this, it makes me sleepy. I slide into dreams through restful meditation. I believe they are upgrading my brain to keep up with this time of acceleration. I need to put my finger on it and make it real already. I am tired of waiting.

Opossum three

2010-05-12T01:19:00.001-04:00

Opossum two

2010-05-12T01:00:00.001-04:00

opossum one opossum

2010-05-12T00:49:00.000-04:00

2010-05-12T00:03:00.000-04:00

We watched our goldfish attack our black Molly to death

2010-05-11T22:56:00.001-04:00

2010-05-11T22:10:00.000-04:00

2010-01-20T03:51:00.000-05:00

2010-01-20T03:38:00.000-05:00

2010-01-20T03:09:00.000-05:00

2010-01-20T02:35:00.000-05:00

2009-12-19T21:08:00.000-05:00

2009-12-19T20:50:00.000-05:00

2009-12-19T19:51:00.000-05:00

All I have to say is

2009-12-10T20:41:00.000-05:00

I want to establish a true, successful PEOPLE'S TEMPLE. (Minus the kidnapping and death, and christian cover. Here we'll love each other and basically be an interracial socialist commune.) Who's in?

Also, I know this is all years later, but...

RIP Aileen Wuornos. I know you were a vigilante.

You are all in my memory.

get out, get out, get out - jason molina

2009-11-12T09:39:00.000-05:00

2009-11-11T00:20:00.000-05:00

I am slowly, but elaborately getting things done. I play music in public "uptown" (it's stupid, believe me. They don't want to call it downtown because it is so close to where the black people are. White folks feel better near the courthouse and call themselves "uptown" and hold celebrations to publicize themselves. Nobody is interested in holding downtown near the train tracks except vintage/antique/rummage stores, a comic book store, a small skate ramp park, some radical religious group meeting places with wall papered windows, a 24-7 Beach Bingo, a pawn shop and the gay club.

There used to be a couple little scene venues which always got shut down by the cops for code violations, fighting, and underage drinking. I dare say I've grown out of going to places like that, but I've been so busy and I don't have the time to waste the money on drinking so I feel guilty and stay home and love being at my new house...

Anyway, I've been spending time in the "uptown" doing a student internship at a non profit art gallery for college credits. I really like it, although I can never seem to turn the homework in on time because I basically had to teach myself Adobe Illustrator and get better at photoshop and realizing there was an artistic element to Word- which makes me happy but makes me ocd as fuck.

So, the people who put it together and are in charge of the place are a nice lesbian couple, one of which is my professor, their best friend and a committee of artsy fartsy yuppies who like to have a helping hand in keeping it running.

I've never had a lesbian professor or boss before. She is very professional. I admire her for being so caring and diligent with her project. It has really made big steps in the last 7 or 8 years or so.

I get to sit at the counter, tally up the people who come in each hour, ring up customers (who buy mostly nice ceramics), hang out with the girl in charge of me (who is quiet but cool and one of the few people who actually get paid) organize and clean lots of things.

There is a store front, two exhibition galleries, ceramic studios, a photo studio, and general classrooms.

Anyway. I need to stop rambling and do homework instead of this.

lw took the last one, it is my favorite

2009-11-09T19:18:00.000-05:00

My theme song lately.

2009-11-09T17:07:00.001-05:00

I've Been Riding With The Ghos...

Jason Molina we must find each other and make music. You are almost perfect.

2009-11-09T17:03:00.000-05:00

Nervous Bride - Songs:Ohia

2009-11-08T10:14:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's harder. The initial reoccurance of your crazy mother, or when she weeps for you incessantly but still doesn't get why things were not in her favor to begin with.

I have been immobile most of the week. I've been having to take medicine to keep myself from bursting into tears, although I generally try not to take them. I hate that I am prescribed a bottle of crutch because I can't keep my mind from replaying clips of scenes, sounds and feelings. It's like astrally projecting yourself in broad daylight to that unescapable head space when you realize you are actually on real-time schedule or people are slightly confused politely waiting for you.

Luckily my professors don't give me much shit for some reason, but I have that hollowing feeling that I've failed so badly this time around. Maybe not failed 100% but failed in the sense that I let myself be too distracted for too long over things that were triggering my anxiety. Or procrastination. or maybe I shouldn't be in school, but goddamnit, I just want to be done. I want to move on. I guess I just want to escape, and grad school is the only way I can see myself getting out and actually fulfilling my dreams or fantasies or my soul's calling. I don't know. I just feel so much bigger than all this, yet I am still humbled. Praying I don't fucking jinx myself.

I need to become a production machine

pedophilia cannibalism sweets fetish

2009-11-06T13:10:00.000-05:00

2009-11-03T19:27:00.000-05:00

Today was rather shitty and embarrassing. My parents came to visit I almost forgot
Anyway long story short, my mom ended up cuffed and taken away in a police car. My dad had to post 1000$ bail to get her out.

She has written me off as her daughter, told my best friends to fuck off and told my dad she never asked for a lesbian.

She totally didn't keep it together. She raided the house taking the things she had given me over time screaming SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T HAVE MOTHERS. THEY DON'T HAVE ANY OF THESE THINGS!

She was being defiant with the police who only came bc they heard the commotion from a random car accident next door.

I don't know. I guess I don't have a "mom" anymore but you know what, mom? You weren't there for me anyway when all the sick shit was going down and if you didn't ever ask for me- I never asked to be fucking born to begin with!

sketchbook stuff and some proofs of a print in progress

2009-10-27T01:04:00.000-04:00

2009-10-26T18:17:00.000-04:00

2009-10-13T21:15:00.000-04:00

Le Sigh. Oh Geez, rather. I'm not sure... So life has been spinning, on a roll again, just not the one I would like to be on, but I've been thinking. I've been so busy taking care of personal life stuff between trying to remain in all seriousness with the rest of my undergraduate degree earning process.

I just moved. After 3 years of living in the old haunted "mansion", I have evacuated myself to somewhere I am hoping to be more peaceful, energizing, and productive. The crazy thing is that I am living with Little Wolf. Never before have I ever "officially" cohabited with a partner, yet the time has come. I guess.

It makes me a little nervous actually, although I think everything will smooth out and this place will be home. It's definitely nicer. Better kept maintenance wise... actually, all around it's a more stable place than the decrepit obliterating house I couldn't keep up with. One thing after another was going horribly wrong and i was spending all my time and money trying to massacre multitudes of insects, patch walls, seal cracks, sweep the house (yes, i had to sweep because the carpet there had so much sand embedded in it that every vacuum cleaner we had, short of a shop vac, was overtaken) etc and so on jesus christ I can not even list the shit that I was occupied doing stressing over that house trying to find a comfortable homeostasis but everything was spiraling into bigger dominoes and fucking shit mold and rot holes in my floors and walls. I could look down into my floor and see mother earth and her cold moldy atmosphere of under the house.

It really makes me pretty depressed. I cried 2 days in a row over the old house after moving into my new place and becoming psychologically demonstrative along the way. As well as towards my friends regardless of their company or our friendship and I was spitting demons of honesty in their faces or not able to say anything at all, except feeling bad for feeling weird or whatever what have you.

In this move, I also found some old notebooks I had when I was younger. I hated re-reading them in the past, but this time, I was really curious what little me had to say. Even some stuff from when I was 12-14 had me like, damn, what the fuck was this little girl talking about? Although I seemed to understand exactly everything I had to say... I think I'll post some for the hell of it. Not that it is oh my god amazing or anything, mostly it sounds like I was the most pissed off little angsty depressed kid on earth. Keep in mind I was in the middle of a 10 year molestation and my favorite band at the time was Hole. Courtney Love was my mother until I was around 16. I only really mention this because I can see how I was influenced by her greatly. I am not sure what I would'e turned out like had I not had Live Through This, My Body The Hand Grenade and Pretty On the Inside. Those were the ones I mostly listened to. Productively, Hole kinda faded away after Celebrity Skin anyway. It was time.

I also listened to a lot of Tori Amos in middle school and high school. She's actually the first woman to make me realize I was gay. I was in the 6th or 7th grade and I was watching her video for Crucify and realized her simultaneous playing and fucking on the piano was quite all right with me.

Anyway. I've said enough. I just had to say *something* since little me had so much to say. I think she might be a little intimidating.

I took these today

2009-09-28T22:10:00.000-04:00

2009-09-28T17:37:00.000-04:00

More morons.

2009-09-25T14:48:00.000-04:00

Don't tax me bro?

wtf dude??? Bro? As if you haven't always been taxed under the white regime?! Would you say bro to bush or mccain or whatever synonymous being you support?

joarfhspddojkfaps;oifjaerokfj

These people need to reassess who exactly is being greedy in this situation

*I forgot to add photo cred. I found this in a google image search of tea party protesters. Hopefully I'll remember to make note of images I've stolen from the net.

A conservative in a dumpster?

2009-09-25T01:37:00.001-04:00

*I forgot to add photo cred. I found this in a google image search of tea party protesters. Hopefully I'll remember to make note of images I've stolen from the net.

Racist in Chief

2009-09-19T15:27:00.001-04:00

I've been watching this one for a few days with whoever I can get.

Mark williams is the racist moron idiot who is leading the right

wing conservative "Tea Party Express" protests and has caused much

inspiration for my next print.

2009-08-26T03:12:00.000-04:00

2009-08-18T02:37:00.000-04:00

2009-07-29T11:21:00.001-04:00

I returned the Nikon camera I had yesterday because it was the 3rd Nikon I've had... Probably within the last year that has had lens/focusing issues/errors.

As much as it cost, I knew I would get it exchanged for another, but while at the store, saw a "better" camera... a bit more expensive, and although I feel like a traitor, I decided to pay the difference and try the Canon Rebel XSi. I'll be interested in comparing this digital slr with the ones I've had in the past.

For little wolf

2009-06-27T00:06:00.000-04:00

icantwaittolickthecumoffyourthighs

earth consumption/blind condition

2009-06-25T16:15:00.000-04:00

Mushrooms= earth agent, expressing true beauty in the psychiatry of parallel planes. The ocean can be inhaled as mist, particles of salt, filtered in the channels and airways of your lungs. It sinks into skin/ dehydrates within.

Raw, submissive, multidimensional...

I spent hours thinking, my eyes and mind fluttering. Burrowed behind the cascading overflow of my physical appearance, I am always an animal, wishing to be nude. My hatred towards society grows incessantly. I despise the (in)convenience of overproduction, the pedestals of commodity, the absurdity of money, the shamelessness of people,driven between sleep by the stock market.

I am down to earth, an earth sign.

Until I apologized for the fuck up of my father, I hallucinated hissing, snake skin appearing/slithering in my beach towel, in the sand disappearing/reappearing around the dunes.

Astrally projected under the closest star, I juxtaposed myself across the country into the dirty urban desert to see my grandmother's face, to see my brother and his family, to be with my warm lover in the clouds of our nest.

Religion became senseless, Living is just existing, filling time and space with faces and memories. I wish not to be separated from biological instincts but I am.

So much splendor just ceases before darkness, black light reclaims my soul, not always evil, perhaps empty- who knows how long I've kept it under control.

2009-06-18T22:46:00.000-04:00

I had no idea Jenny Lewis would be so haunting. Don't get me wrong, I knew it would be something powerful to hear her voice in real life, that it would seep into me and give me chills. I mean haunting in that the concert was a week ago and I still can't get her songs out of my head. She's always singing in the background of my mind, I am starting to go nuts. It doesn't help that my mind cycles so much and is repetitive in terms of words, thoughts and sounds. The other thing is that I can't stop listening to her whenever I do this to music, so I am kinda cursed at the moment.

She was more of a real-life normal person than I had expected. I am not really sure what I had in mind, but I never really looked into what she looked like or facts about her beyond her album covers, music and other band, Rilo Kiley. Before the show, I didn't realize Jenny Lewis was one of the girls in the movie Foxfire, which I used to watch a lot when I was younger. That was exciting.

Vocally, I think of Jenny Lewis as a sort of Patsy Cline mixed with Lucinda Williams of our time, with snarky/sweet modern lyrics that make me smirk. I always liked her music, but seeing her live sealed the deal on granting me another female musician crush- the other being Emily Haines.

I enjoyed the show. All band members were into the vibe, and it was a great performance by all involved.

Something interesting that happened: During one of the opening bands or breaks between, LW and I went outside for some air and found a cute girl with a puppy. LW of course loves baby animals (more than I do, she squeels) and was petting and playing with the puppy. The girl asked us if we wanted to watch her for a little bit. So we did. Later on we realized the girl we met was Jenny's drummer/backup vox, so here's a pic of LW with her puppy. haha

Everything is good because we're all here still alive

2009-06-18T21:18:00.000-04:00

I suck at blogging. It gives me anxiety. I think writing papers has almost killed my writing style. I had a poetry class last semester and choked. I was pulling tricks out of my hat doing all I could just to get a B.

I want to remove myself from my literal thought-out brain and I want to scramble myself speaking metaphors like I used to.

I have so much to explain.

I am sort of stranded at the moment financially and it really fucking sucks. I have such a traveling itch in the summer, why must I feel obligations towards responsibility!?

2009-05-24T18:42:00.000-04:00

These were the largest moths I've seen in my life. It took me a while to find them in Moth I.D, but they are Imperial Moths, (Eacles Imperialis) of the Wild Silk Moth family, subfamily: Royal moths. I put my hand in one of the photos to show size. The larger, more yellow one is the female. I found them after pruning some crape myrtle trees.

Horrified and heartbroken

2009-05-23T14:38:00.000-04:00

2009-05-23T01:08:00.000-04:00

2009-05-23T00:47:00.000-04:00

2009-05-23T00:38:00.000-04:00

Where trash finds it's way towards the ocean

2009-05-23T00:32:00.000-04:00

2009-05-23T00:25:00.000-04:00

2009-05-22T23:47:00.000-04:00

2009-05-22T21:46:00.000-04:00

How do you get this fucked up and not smoke a cigarette? My god I know it would be unthinkable to smoke a cigarette around your heart attack quit.

I on the other hand am glad that you're drunk driving with responsible years of experience and me in the car.

2009-05-20T19:13:00.000-04:00

Little Wolf and I are back together. Considering we were back to fucking in less than 2 days, we weren't really broken up.

Some things were realigned. We slept with someone else together and that went well. It actually brought us much closer, which is really strange considering the situation of who the other person was, which doesn't really matter considering it also helped me feel more helpless(?)/okay/semi-numb towards my feelings for them. I am finally able to accept the reality of our relationship as of currently. I should say past, but this was another glitch in the "real"-state. Also us as individuals/the bigger picture for me/the sad truth that now is, what was- but also the fun/easy going/sexy/cute/endearing/real times I have with my current animal companion friend, little wolf.

I haven't exactly told her yet, but I think I've come to the conclusion that I am quite lucky,okay with letting myself feel seriously for her, and that she is the universe blessing me.

In other news, I am at the beach working on visual things, trying to get a "real" job, and needing to create my own website and business cards for art purposes. I am also interested in trying to get some gallery space around the waterfronts for attracting rich people willing to spend money. (Poor people come talk to me. I also enjoy trades of all sorts. ) I really want to have public space for, or make $$$ from my art so I can get some credibility around family members who think I am wasting my time in art school. I mean, I was wasting time in art school, but now I refuse to quit for the sake of super debt. I am going to get this degree so I can shove it in the faces of my backwoods family who refuse to educate themselves with culture or try to look outside the traditional box... etc etc WHO DONT HAVE ANY DEGREE AND ARE ASSHOLES

Anyway, here's a photo I took of my sexy love.

2009-04-27T02:02:00.000-04:00

I realized that my 23rd birthday is in a week. I am in hell time with the end of the semester. Tonight I am doing something I don't mind so much. I'm in the printmaking studio making layered monoprints for my painting class. It's a special assignment from my professor. Everyone else has to do 6 oil paintings and I get to make 5 monoprints and one oil painting. I am having fun trying out this wax medium stuff I bought. It makes ink turn into a colorful frosting, which I am enjoying.

I just got my hands on Metric's (fantasies) and yeah yeah yeah's (it's blitz!) new albums. Both of which I am really digging while working

2009-04-26T12:19:00.000-04:00

Little did I know what simplify would mean. I' ve been having so many vivid dreams. ( I need to look up California King Snakes, Kittens coming out of under couches, Cats hunting, Animals shapeshifting, shoes, Love affairs with unknown others and maybe some other things)

I actually just broke up with Little Wolf last night. I know it seems a little ridiculous considering my last barrage of posts, but considering my contemplations as of late- this is what I've come down to.

Maybe I should post more of the drama in the lives of myself and those surrounding. I exclude it usually on purpose because it is simply drama and I know how fast things change shapes.

But jesus. Life has been so dramatic that I've stopped majoring in art education to just major in studio art, said fuck you to my job again, I've broken up with girlfriend, thought about deleting everything else and this, and I'm also thinking about heading back to the beach again- at least for the summer.

It's a bit sad about LW considering I was rather smitten by her. She's the epitomy of sweetness, but I think at this point in her life, she needs to learn some things on her own and learn to think a little more on the quick. She is an incredible young woman, but I'm not feeling like wasting my time on a monogamous relationship that is starting to assume it's ok to do little stupid things out of drunkenness, in public, IN MY HOUSE with someone who is the symbol of much of the house's (estherhaus drama, extended friend group drama, some secret shit with me with this girl secretly being after LW while with estherhaus, etc etc) frustrations as of late.

2009-04-21T00:07:00.000-04:00

fuckkkkkkkkk schoooooool

time is not on my side

i just want to get out and I'm constantly behind.

I need to live by myself

hypothetically

to focus and shut out

I need somewhere I can be naked and human besides my bedroom and bathroom

I need more space, at the same time I need to simplify.

capturing her

2009-04-19T20:37:00.000-04:00

2009-04-19T20:25:00.000-04:00

2009-04-18T19:12:00.000-04:00

2009-04-07T10:39:00.001-04:00

It seems the more intense our relationship gets, the more insecure little Wolf gets. This is very stressful for me because she makes herself upset over things that don't really exist, by reading too far into my preoccupation with other things. It's hard for her to understand that I have been dicking around a lot this semester, working over nights when I do work- and taking random trips to DC, Charlotte, the beach, and recently, a week in Chicago. Finals are coming up and I have SO MUCH ART (6 oil paintings, I need to finish a 3x4 ft acrylic painting and a photography portfolio with a series of different projects), a 15 page paper (for a graduate level class I'm taking) and a poetry portfolio due by the end of the month. Not to mention things I need to do for printmaking.

I know I hardly update anymore, but it is important to say that I finally decided to drop out of the art education program here. The advising has been terrible (I was a transferring major. I originally started college as a communication major before switching to art ed. They had me listed as a studio BFA and were letting me take courses that apply to studio BFA but not art education. Not only were they letting me take them, but they were letting me re-take and grade replace some I felt needed better grades before telling me, in my fourth year there, "oh, you need another advisor! I thought you were studio!")

That was last year, and I only knew 2 art ed advisors. One of whom was a major asshole- sexist and racist, the other seemed to be a nice guy, so I chose him. He turned out to be a christian maniac and was less than helpful with me, and more condescending than anything else. I find out I have to take more classes since the others did not count (which wasted probably a year or 2 more of school) and that I have to take a teacher SAT before I can take the final senior courses of student teaching which would be very near in the future. Which sucks. Cause I was advised to take the wrong math twice, I'd have to take ANOTHER math and I really suck at the subject. The last time I took an algebra class was 9 years ago!!! I feel like the system screws students over to make them pay for more classes and more semesters.

I am going on my 6th year in college and I am so eager to just be done with it!!

I also found out if I drop the major and just stick with a Printmaking studio BFA, I can bypass the teacher SAT by already having a degree if I decide to come back and finish the last few classes I'd need for art ed and wouldn't have to take a new math.

Besides, all the art ed kids just seem to be major ass kissing brown nosed little conservative douchebags. I think I've had two friendly professors the whole time, and met only one other art ed friend who is genuinely nice and will say what's up whenever we run into each other.

Also, now I can focus on some damn printmaking for real, cause staying up writing lesson plans about color and design really sucks ass when you have so much personal art to get out.

2009-03-29T15:04:00.000-04:00

I love that I am able to find and get pot in every city I travel to. Most of the time getting it for free. Not trying to jinx.

I also love that I am not a dude so I can be turned on in public without having a huge visible hard-on, cause I so totally would.

I wanted to get little wolf a million presents, it's kinda funny. I am really in love with that girl.

2009-03-28T06:11:00.000-04:00

It always weirds me out a bit when I have hetero ideas towards guys. I avoid the awkwardness because I spend my time mostly with other queers.

Sometimes I find myself attracted to guys after spend a lot of time with them, or when they are charismatic, good looking and intelligent(That goes for girls too).In the past year I've decided it's probably best to avoid acknowledging any attraction towards them. First of all, if I am even bringing myself to that scenario, I am usually confident that the vibe is likewise. I feel really dumb whenever I have hetero thoughts. I become this sort of maternal (in the sense of overly caring or catering to their comfort- I have an instinctive caring knack for the most part. Also, my mom was very strict in making me submissive to my brothers and father growing up) little girl (I envision myself as naive) and hence, I don't like to see myself as anything less than strong, so I can't swallow that feeling.
Secondly, after #1 step in hetero confession occurs, the boys change and start nudging towards sex or letting them touch my body, which is sometimes flattering, but mostly makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I have had sex with multiple guys trying to figure out if it was me being gay for real or if it was a product of molestation trauma. I have loved men for who they are, but I have never been with a guy (with the exception of the first boy I had concentual sex with when I first turned 15, although the feelings were less guilty and disgusted with him- I also was still being molested around the same time and finally gained the light to speak up for myself and end it. Obviously in that case I was curious to experience unrelated hetero sex and I was still Ýoung and naïve.That boy broke my trust by breaking up with me for cutting my hair short and was apparently interested in one of my close friends at the time. Regular petty high school drama.

I have acknowledged my attraction towards other women when I was in the 6th grade watching a Tori Amos video. My first gf was in 7th grade when I was 12 and my first french kiss with another girl was when I was 13 because she kissed me first.

Tbc... Must sleep.

Wow what creepy fucks all the time, just enriching the earth.

2009-03-01T14:02:00.000-05:00

Here I am with Ninja, the fat cat who loves fat things over proteins. His brother Eros was neutered the other day through a feline society friend of Em's (That's Estherhaus) and I felt/feel sad for him. I know surgery hurts. When I had my appendix removed, I could barely even walk for 2 weeks, let alone have that done to my balls, given medication from some other animal group, then taken back home to hide outside somewhere in the rain all day! It's supposed to snow sometime, we haven't had hot water anywhere in the house except maybe the washer and the downstairs shower. No working water in the kitchen sink at all. The dishes have been piled up.

No hot water in the downstairs bathroom sink and none upstairs. This has been about a couple months, or since whenever the inauguration was cause the pipes busted in that initial snow. The landlord's handymans are terribly bad at fixing things. They like to cover things up/patch them up. I'm getting pissed writing this. The old man's got one, maybe two, hands with missing fingers.

I remember one time when the Lioness and I were together, we were playing around, baking a cake for a printmaking cookout. Some ingredient was forgotten so I'm in the car about to go get it. She's hovering over me in the driveway flashing me. We didn't think anyone was looking, and then out of nowhere, the landlord's about us. He looks her up and down and then nods, winks, and then says to me, "She look like a good girl gone bad, don't she?

So basically all the dudes moved out of the house in some way or other. Only one's really left, but he's younger than me and I'd been previous roommates/friends with his brother. I've taken over all the lease stuff and other bills under my name.

I've been pretty good about staying on time. Nothing's been cut off thus far.

I paid 2 months at once, told him what was wrong with the house and motherfucker has been missing since. Well, he made a four day appearance at the neighbor's house renovating their whole fucking bathroom and we can take warm-hot showers- in the downstairs shower if we're lucky. Can't wash dishes or really sanitize things without having to boil water. Upstairs has to come downstairs to use sink or shower, at least that toilet works

I know a lot of people live more primitively, and i give my respects to them. Sometimes people have no idea how I can live in a house with no heat, but I always think back on the days before electricity and consider myself lucky to have modern technologies everywhere.

Sometimes being so cold reminds me that I have it good, considering there are worse situations where people are really suffering.

Anyway, I'm pissed cause all my shit's been on time and this guy is bordering slumlord. If I didn't love this fucking house so much I'd moved to the old downtown in one of the upstairs of the old dept. stores or over on the other side of the art building downtown.

School is good, I am liking photography. I enjoyed doing some egg tempera paintings, but don't really have the patience for painting.

One of my best friend's girlfriend's is going to do humanity relief work over spring break and since she'll be gone, she bought concert tickets for my friend, me, and Estherhaus to see Ani DiFranco in Durham in little over a week. As a graduation present. This will be my sixth (?) time seeing her, and I haven't seen her sine right after she had a baby, so I'm hoping she's regained her feisty energy and is happy and ready to grace us with her goodness. :)

Going to Chicago exactly a week after that with the printmaking guild, my professors, some returning grad students and my best friend who is in the wood guild. The Lioness will also be going. She's been really frustrating in terms of trying to make plans. She barks at everyone to make plans cause she is is stressed and busy (so are we) and then makes plans for herself, etc etc .

We haven't been hanging out, or really even been communicating... I've been letting myself be lost in the world of school, work and Little Wolf. Haven't really been partying or much of anything else.

I did have a dream, within the last week, that I was in a room with confrontation of both the lioness and little wolf. Little Wolf was standing and speaking up for herself, demanding that I had to choose between the two and I instantly flared for her to forget about it. I was like, fuck you, nobody can make me do it. Then the dream was over.

Which was weird cause the other day, the lioness is purring in my ear saying she had a dream about me. She dreamt that we got married.

She seemed shocked to find out I hadn't hooked up with anyone besides her since I've been with Little Wolf. She seemed determined to get that information from me.

Little Wolf is a beautiful girlfriend. She's sweet and good and caring. She doesn't deserve any real shittiness.

Which is terrifying considering I know I give in to evil at times... I just don't think it will be as easy as it ever was. I know better than to give into the temptation of the Lioness. I know it wouldn't be worth it at the moment. I think rationally of consequences on all levels... I am in love with, and loved back, by two women. If only I could be under the guise of a fundamentalist Mormon man and they, my two fundamentalist wives...

2009-02-20T18:24:00.001-05:00

2009-02-20T17:21:00.000-05:00

Little Wolf took the one of me.

2009-02-16T14:51:00.001-05:00

My color lithograph, "The Evolution of Death Valley" was chosen for the juried 2009 undergraduate exhibit next month.

These are in reverse chronological order

2009-01-25T20:30:00.001-05:00

2009-01-14T17:21:00.000-05:00

mucking up the bicycle rack

sighing cyanide death

if i could stop romanticizing cigarettes

guilt about health

the wolf moon made me evil

I've been fighting a bit lately

been territorial and bitchy

get outta my space

help me motivate those around me to help myself without being offensive

putting love on hold all over again

i am fickle and in cycles of off and on again but off right now

Accidently left one of my Sharon Olds poetry books in a lab and someone ganked it before I came back.

Having crushes on professors. I can't help but stare at my History of Western Architecture professor. She is so full of knowledge and so cute. I get flustered

2009-01-12T16:13:00.000-05:00

these are from over the break

2009-01-12T16:10:00.000-05:00

2009-01-12T10:20:00.000-05:00

School's back in session which is good for internet purposes since there's been no internet at mi casa for over a month. I've been updating via my cell phone which is functional, but doesn't allow full access to everything on regular internet.

Today I had painting class at 8 am. My next class is something like intro to poetry, but not sure if we'll be reading or writing or both. I'm hoping both. The last class of the day is the history of architecture. The only available art history class that I haven't already taken- unfortunately, african american art was filled, and even though The history of prints is listed as being offered, it really isn't.

I'm starting to hate this school. Or maybe I am just really wanting to drop the art ed part of my double major and be exclusively just a studio BFA with mad hopes for grad school. the only problem is everyone in my life reiterating how art ed reinforces the likelihood of having a real job, but I really just want to be a printmaker.

Although, I have seen and do recognize the ways that my art ed classes have made me a better artist by learning how to teach others and what to teach them... and really, I do want to be a teacher in the long run, but not right now. I am nowhere near settled, and I want to move and experience more life before being forced to be stuck with a 7-5 job at a public school somewhere working my ass off to help direct the minds of this country's future.

It is almost embarrassing how far behind America's education system is, especially considering how "wealthy" we are. I hate that kids born into wealthier families have the opportunity for easy access to better education, but while teaching an after school program last semester with 20 3rd-5th graders, the poor and minority kids were often the most interested and more naturally gifted. The rest of the kids were cookie cutter guidelined and usually copied each other.

le sigh.

Tomorrow I have photography and something else. I think it's a special education class, which I am excited about. I have suspicions that one of my nephews is autistic and that my little niece also needs special attention.

i fry my eggs at night cause that's when i'm having breakfast.

2009-01-11T19:13:00.000-05:00

Sometimes what I think I miss most is the instinctive comfort that comes from you around me.

How bad could it be if I just wanted you to hold me so I could kinda hold you and uh. This has nothing to do with sex anymore

But it does, and the way you talk to me- the way you talk to everyone is suggestive and luring, but you are a lion kitten purring and I am a lover of cats

What of love of the past? what is love of the past? Past love, love passing. That's mythology between you and me, but hush! This is our little secret and makes us deviate from allowing others to swallow us whole
On the cosmic level

I miss you come fill my chest come sing to me bring me laughter bring the mania just bring your voice and let's find ourselves just resonating.

2008-12-31T21:40:00.001-05:00

Figured I'd make a last post of the year. Didn't go back to my place yet, still at the treehouse with the parents and my bro's little family. Had this strange feeling I should be with them this year. The last 2 years I'd skipped out to party.

Going back to my place tomorrow. Gotta lot to do. 3 drawings... Not so bad, don't wanna jinx myself, but not too stressed. Fill out an application to get my job back. Talked to the managers and they said I'd be set if I did that.

Still haven't registered for classes. I'm always slack about registration.

A few people owe me money cause the lease and electric are under my name and I was covering them when I could, but now besides xmas $ and misc. profits, I am pretty damn empty on cash. Hence me having to get my job back.

I got a Biggie Smalls fleece comforter for 15$ today. It's the sweetest thing on earth. Totally going on my bed.

Giving in and making damn beach scene soft pastel/charcoal drawings out of necessity for $ and the crazy demand for them from me, but honestly- they = my pet peeve... perpetuated by my family who love them, spread the word about them and nag me about making art that sells. It's what everyone wants around here if they are going to buy art. Unfortunately. Not so much really into tampon prints or suffering kids and dead babies/fetuses outside of a orphanage.

Whatevs. I need $$$$$$$$$$$$

And that, my friends, basically sums up the attitude of my country in the year 2008.

2008-12-29T01:02:00.000-05:00

My god. Little wolf has me kneeling to her. She dominates me/ tells me I am her sexual minnow.

When we see each other again we'll both be trembling.

Kind of thing there's no getting enough of.

2008-12-29T00:27:00.000-05:00

Enlightening others / a mass agreement to revelate on/ a commemoration of the sun/ a grand-sexless muscle/ grandmother but grandfather/but neither at once/ the higher order of celestial ones/

A love affair between the hypothetical lingering or the active frequency between hers.

There are alarms all around the yard.

2008-12-21T22:18:00.000-05:00

Playing hard to get to calls of cutting hair.
Giving gifts of family heirlooms of future history and outer space.
Antagonizing probable plot lines.
Setting boundaries of compliments.
Disbelieving coming on to me.

I feel like I try to redesign reincarnation more now before it is all in the air like it already is.
For someone who hates surprises, I'd like an idea to find me a comfortable cocoon to glide through another life.

Alto

2008-12-17T13:58:00.000-05:00

My childhood laments the execution of the apple trees

Treason busts woods of ancient supplemental growth

As a child, I simmered bone soup in ceramic bowls

Repulsed by the talc that was mummifying my insides

I turned to milk and preferred pants and blood soup from fresh flesh

Familiars swirled about me, guiding my path to the ever-life

I have instinctual fights of territory with my father's wife

who is all the time my mother- a beast I will beat time after time, but will never beat

Myself is regretful, unfair, overpowering, monstrous, petty, scathing, embarrassing,

An artist on the roof screaming narcissism is out of style

I am the only narcissist who can even make that label today

What a fucking liar I am, I am so blasé!

I find myself an aftermath of what I've apparently done

Sometimes I am too late to come

Other times I start to realize I've already gone.

I become a coin of fate, a turn of weather

A positive, a sociopath, an imbecile or a woman

A lesbian or a raging man

I become all of these simultaneously, but sometimes I can pick

2008-12-07T00:58:00.000-05:00

A sweet young mammal is requiring carnal desires when I am split in half and paralyzed.

I am haunted by my widow, my dead wife still caught in the living.

In the turn of a nanosecond proximity became abandoned history and lost memory of touch sensory.

I am jockeyed in a horserace of endless mazes and hologramming hurtles. I am betting with an overwhelming fear of horsepower.

Knowing a million shifts can not erase the past or the path that was taken.

Destruction like a tornado swallowed our happening and like Oz, took us to separate other zones.

When lost love knows there is no place like home, it avoids highways and hitchhiking.

It remembers it as suffocating abuse in flinching flashbacks. It renders it as beautiful and molding but somewhere to be weary of returning.

Our children have all but one deceased and gone.You fled before the funerals of our noble and young sons. During the death of our daughter you reached for me choking and sobbing but did not let me hold you all the while you were grasping.

2008-12-01T00:21:00.000-05:00

Last week

2008-11-28T20:36:00.001-05:00

2008-11-25T16:36:00.000-05:00

2008-11-24T23:34:00.000-05:00

2008-11-22T00:18:00.001-05:00

A woman's menstrual blood is extremely powerful. The earth responds to it with fertile energy and protection. If you put menstrual blood on your land, it will be blessed, in a sense- especially homes and farms.

Even a small amount will cover a large area of land. A simple drop at each corner of your parameters will draw a connection.

Putting yourself/ minerals/ energy/ magick/spirit into a place where you live, seek comfort/safety, or work to become agriculturally self sufficient or providing for others- creates love, the most positive energy.

2008-11-18T21:23:00.000-05:00

lithography/ rolled cigarettes/ dismissing chemicals/ solvent soaked skin/ abandoned gloves/ risking health to feel the entirety of my art/ my trade/ skill/ the smells/ the stains/ relationships/ grease and water/ repelling/ adhering/ smearing/ hydrophilic/ drawing/printing/ veletone/ acetate/ ruby lith/ exposure unit/ copper rods/electricity/ sparks/ arc/ light/ rag paper/ wasting money on fuck ups/bad sponges/ lithotene/ paint thinner/ tympan/ adjusting pressure/ avoiding watermarks/ registration/tabs/ aquarillable/ more cigarettes/ nitric, phosphoric acids/ gum arabic/ formaldehyde/ glycerine/five + times coffee in a day/ no sleep for speed/ parking ticket/ broken cell phone/ walking/ into the studio/walking/into night/ walking/ into mechanical, tired morning.

It snowed today.

It's your birthday, lioness/ last week was a relapse/ a year later I fall for another/soft and sweet like flowers/ sometimes she's pressed/ against pages/ embroidery

I'm going home to the beach

I'm in the illegal business, just like my father

2008-11-12T18:41:00.000-05:00

If only I could describe the secrets I am going to have to endure for X amount of time/ So much noise is going on in this house/ I'm the undercover/ cover?/ what the fuck does that mean?/ Under the covers/ sleeping/ x lovers/ new lovers/ other lovers who are their lovers/ all obvious, but kept hush hush

Nothing is going on/ except workloads/ heart captors knocking on my bedroom window/ a triathlon of choices/ the currently impossible, the beauty sweet and doctor unspeakable. (Who is a young man... One of the reasons I choose to stay distanced from for the sake of my personal... fears, I guess. Then again, I am into the ladies, and that's all I really want these days.)

oh my fears- they are all in my mind! Harmless, I am sure. Always harmless if you fight against them when the time comes.

I must direct my attention into art but I am such a fucking day dreamer I want to think more than produce and I need a complete boomerang in the reverse direction. At least they could be equal activities. That would be nice.

This made me happy

2008-11-12T14:13:00.001-05:00

I parked next to this car on the way to my physics and the universe lab.

I procrastinate

2008-11-09T22:15:00.000-05:00

This is from a few days ago

2008-11-05T17:48:00.001-05:00

2008-11-03T18:59:00.000-05:00

so much about love

I'm sighing and I'm tired

Hearing her whisper I love you in a dark church keeps me silent because I can't say it back. My heart shouts it more than she knows. Yet, she knows.

If only I could stomp out the smoldering remains of my heart before they reignite to the sight of a mirage. The sound of I love you while you hold my hand between my thighs... doing the same with her beside you.

I just hope to find you fulfilled someday. I'd like to find myself either alone, or the same.

Focus my energy into allowing love like so many around me finding the simplicity of positivity in others. I've been maintaining myself, staying cautious of the pitfalls of loosing love. Having a general love, a friend love, a teasing love, but true love divorced me but can't move away.

It's like we're staring at each other with pissed off dog faces, or maybe my heart is growling and I'm wishing to shred away all earthly remains with the strength of my jaws and the saw of my teeth.

Before I remember there is good waiting for me with outreached arms, good love that is grasping for me, begging for me, becoming depressed in love with me. When such beauty becomes sadness

I want your eyes sullen with sleep deprived rings. I want you on strung out substance speaking prolifically. I want you dependent on something hard besides me

If only I could be Tank Girl in real life...

2008-11-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

All Saints Day's Hangover/ Me being a weirdo as usual

2008-11-02T16:07:00.001-05:00

2008-10-30T11:09:00.000-04:00

I am so bad with procrastinating lately. The terrible part is that I've been putting off my printmaking for other endeavors the past 2 weeks or so. I am in the process of making a new song. I really wanted it to be done by now, at least by elections since it's one of thse anthem, fight-for-your-rights songs. I feel kinda cheesy about it, but at the same time, it's so damn catchy and I always make these kind of songs anyway. I've gotten much better at playing guitar, specifically electric. Mine is so sexy, I love her vibrations on my hips. >>>>>>>hot.

In other news, I had to send Little Wolf away a couple mornings ago. I realized I was unable to do the things I normally do, with female company over distracting me constantly. I started to get the notion that she was getting too comfortable and started to develop the traits of a live-in girlfriend.

I was getting way too obsessed with sex. If I wasn't locked away in my room with her, It would be somewhere else. It didn't help much that she comes into my room, always removes her clothes and gets on my bed. Whether she's laying there or doing homework. Either way, it's just asking for it. I couldn't ignore her! If she wasn't around, I was watching porn 4-5+ times a day. (haha, yeah, I know...)

It got to the point where I was skipping school to stay in bed with her. (I was also sick and sore for about a week straight. Coming off of that now, I hope) My room became a disaster. She forgets to bring extra clothes to my place, so I let her borrow mine- but I miss seeing a girl in her own clothes, environment, etc. after a week or two in mine.

Also, she was developing that super-cling that makes me claustrophobic. I could see the devil brewing up some co-dependancy in her body and that's my red flag for running. I told her these things that morning, and she was very upset that I wanted us to separate and do our own things for a while... Which really shouldn't make her upset. it should make her have her own life and get things done while I do the same. We can come back as lovers when we have more time for it.

I don't have time for a girlfriend. I have time for a lover. I need the rest of the time for art and contemplation.

I still like meeting other people and leaving possibilities open. It's more realistic when you are 22, I think. Even more so for LW who is 19. Certainly I am not her be-all end-all of lovers.

Georgia took me to see the rock collection yesterday. She's a really chill girl and she cracks me up. We are going to hang out again.

I went into the printmaking studio yesterday and saw the lioness working on some mezzotint rocking. I walked up when she wasn't looking and said something like, "hello there mezzotint." and without looking up she's like, "God, you're voice is like heaven to me!" She was sitting and embraced my legs and kept looking at my face like she was peering into my soul. I think sometimes it startles her to see me and remember whatever feelings my face triggers.

She broke up with the firefighter a few weeks ago and is seeing a new girl, but nothing really serious.

She told me that she had read one of my old letters to her earlier, and when I was leaving, told me she left me a note in my studio. All it said was, "Let me take you out for dinner? yes/no". I said yes, but who knows if she is even serious, or she just likes the idea of asking me out for dinner after all this time.

I wonder if it would even be different. Whenever we hang out alone, it turns into her telling me about her drama and sex life. She's always trying to be sexually/psychologically domineering towards me, and I find myself annoyed that she's not just being real. That she thinks she can trick me when really I feel like she's just trying to convince herself and those who only know her from what she projects to them. She's very good at reading people and giving them what they want without them knowing. She does this to get what she wants, and this is the trap I must always be mindful of- cause I refuse to let her play me after all the shit we've been through.

Tomorrow is Halloween. I am going to be tank girl.

Part 3 of Biden Video

2008-10-29T23:50:00.001-04:00

Part 2 of Biden Video

2008-10-28T20:51:00.000-04:00

Part 1 of Biden video

2008-10-28T19:30:00.001-04:00

2008-10-28T12:17:00.000-04:00

I think it says a lot that both Democrats Obama and Biden have rallied at my school before the election and the only Republican on the ticket that came here was Palin. I think it says something of McCain- knowing BOTH of his opponents have been here and he hasn't.

Around here I really wonder how many of these old South people are racist and don't even know it. I mean seriously, can the old south open it's eyes or recognize faults or problems with traditional tradition??

I have always been into politics, I mean i was one of the speech and debate geeks in high school. For the last 8 years I have been wondering how we had a president (besides him rigging a re-election for himself) with worse oratory skills than teenagers at a debate competition. How embarrassing! I mean maybe if he had a doctor's note for learning disabilities or a speech impediment. But a rich kid who went to Yale and harvard has NO EXCUSES otherwise.

This year I am more fired up than ever! Obama has a positive message, is well thought out and is a charismatic public figure. If nothing else, at least the rest of the world could think, "Finally! The USA has an intelligent leader/representative! The bigots are not in office anymore! WOW SOMEONE WHO ISN'T WHITE FINALLY HAS A TURN!" It's sad to have to say that, but a country made up of so many ethnicities should not be represented by white men each time. We are not all white men, we should not let them allow themselves to monopolize power. And there are so many whites who I can see around here are seething at the notion that this power is in possible jeopardy.

My daddy is a white man. No, I don't really call him daddy. I call him dad-cake. Thank god he knows what's up. Especially here in the south. I find there are so many die-hard good ol' boys around here. And their brainwashed "traditional" wives too. The kind that don't want new folks comin' round. And these "republicans" around here... who are NOT rich, who are just so fundamentally prejudiced are so happy that Sarah Palin is around. A new role model for the women!

Oh, that's another thing I have been getting off on. I watch the news on a very regular basis and I am so grossed out to see these bimbo suburban housewives cheering Palin on. The middle class women who don't know how to listen or to think are finally finding some sort of political hockey mom barbie! How many times I have watched these women talk about sexism and how hard things are blah blah blah FEMINISM!

That's where I slam on my breaks, because- good for you if you are a woman who worked hard for your 6 figure income, but where did you come from? Could you care less for those who are still struggling? Then how the fuck are you a feminist? Isn't the essence of femininity not only strength and hard work, but also nurturing concern and humbleness for others? You are not a feminist if you abandon these things and visions of equality over profit and self wealth. Sarah Palin may be political barbie but just because she is a woman in a high political placement at the moment does not mean she should be a feminist martyr. Her ideals are wayyyyyy too whack.

Unfortunately, I really wonder how many women around here, and this country in general- don't have the instinctual ability to gather facts and put 2 and 2 together? How many of us don't come equipped with the instinctual urge to exercise that ability? How many women's intuitions are powered off towards anything not directly involving them? OPEN YOUR EYES OUTSIDE OF YOUR OWN LIVES!!!

Joe Biden came to ECU yesterday.

I went to the Obama rally too, but that was months ago and I thought they wouldn't allow cameras- so left mine at home. I knew the Biden rally was happening outside of the rec center, coincidently at the same time I had to be there taking a fitness test.

I had a little panic through security.

I had been scoping out security initially anyway because I didn't intend on staying for the rally after the test. (I thought it might be over) I brought my camera in case of a glimse, but didn't think to leave my little wooden pipe/a little trinket box with some herb in it at home... Like I said, didn't think I was staying- but when I came out of the rec center and saw that Biden hadn't yet spoke, I decided to stay.

I planned on sitting on the outskirts of the fences and lines of security. When I decided I wanted to get closer- I suddenly remembered I had those 2 things with me and was wondering how easy it would be to get by.

I walked around in circles for a minute, trying to find a place to be discrete. First, I put the pipe (it's flat and shaped like a leaf) in my back pocket. Since the metal parts on it are minimal, I figured it could get through the detector. I can get through with my glasses and jewelry (visible or non), so surely this wouldn't set it off.

I watched the guards rifle through people's bags and saw them take out a jacket, pat it down and move it on, so I started second-guessing the back pocket idea and decided to put it in my vest pocket, snap it shut, and put in my backpack. I put the little trinket box in a disguised compartment of my backpack and got in line.

Made it passed the walk-through detector and stood to wait for the guard to look through my bag. He threw out my apple, fine. I'll take another one. Made me throw out my nice new can of mace- bummer. Said I couldn't have it back after the rally. He pulls out my vest pats it down, feels something and opens the pocket.

I'm like- Fuck!!!

It was my wallet. He opened it, put it back in the vest, patted it once more and moved it along. I thought my anxiety was over until he started going through the side pockets of my backpack.

I realized I accidently left a little green jar that I had forgotten from a week or so ago, and I wasn't exactly sure if it was empty or not. He found it, alright. He took it out, opened it, looked inside of it, (I saw little flakes and was EXTREMELY nervous at that point) closed it, put it back in my bag and told me to go on.

He must've known what it was, but still kept his mouth shut and let me go. I am so glad this guy working for the security of the potential vice president saw that a little bit of greenery is not of any REAL concern.

Mostly I was glad since although I have made it past my 2 years unsupervised probation for being arrested, my record has not yet been expunged and so any trouble with the law sends me more likely to jail.... and much, much more likely to screw over my education degree, or chances of being hired as a teacher in a public school- which isn't what I want to do when I graduate, but if I don't get into grad school, it looks a lot like what I'll be doing, so I better be more careful.

Here are a few pictures I took. I took 15+ minutes of video, but think I need to break it down before I can upload it onto youtube. I tried last night and it took forever, but when I get around to it, you can see the rally just as I did.

I think the first picture is nice. A sniper above the rec center. How symbolic

My little niece knows what's up

2008-10-25T16:28:00.000-04:00

2008-10-23T21:42:00.000-04:00

2008-10-23T20:37:00.000-04:00

My glasses broke while I was doing some printing. I geek-rigged them with some blue string I found on the floor. I lost a tiny screw so I threaded the screw hole and wrapped the thread around corner of the frame where it holds the lens in place. + some gum arabic= magick!

Except that was a couple weeks ago and although I have done some mending and touching up with the gum arabic, the thread is unravelling and I even lost one of the nose pieces. Of course, I find my glasses have more character this way and I don't mind so much. I like my improvisation.

Little Wolf has been my sugar momma for food lately. This girl loves for me to eat. She senses I am hungry and she's off like the wind to even bring me a bike delivery from wherever she is. She brings me food from her work too. I want to get her something.

She does so much for me. I suppose it is my turn to show a little appreciation outside of the bedroom. I want to give her a gift. She makes me things, brings me things, even sends me mail despite the fact that we see each other daily.

_____

When I got home from my date with Georgia (this is what we'll call the southern belle) at 2 AM, she was locking her bike to my porch and immediately asking me if I fucked her (after she said hi)

Which I did not. I didn't even kiss her, but we did make plans to see each other again. Possibly tomorrow. The date with her was pretty awkward at first. I thought we would be alone. Her super straight blonde roommate was there with her friend and we ended up sitting in the living-room not watching a movie for a while, but talking. I had no idea if those girls knew what was going on.

To top it off, I was talking to her about the other night and asked if her roommate and friend knew where we met and she was like.... "where did we meet?"... Although she is the one who contacted me after meeting me. I just had to laugh a little. Maybe she's an alcoholic? Who knows? She forgot where my house was too.

I was wondering if this was going to go anywhere. I had to pick a movie since nobody else could make up their minds. I chose Marie Antoinette since I hadn't seen it and it looked cinematically pretty. Turned out to be pretty boring sans the artistic planning and execution.

I was wondering if Georgia really even liked girls. She would sit beside me on the couch with our legs or our arms touching and it was like she was getting hyperconscious of the others and would move away from me. She remained pretty silent for about 2 hours.

In my mind, I was conjuring up excuses to leave. It was already after midnight and LW was wanting to spend the night, so I said I had to go soon.

Suddenly she was asking me if I wanted to listen to music in her room and I was like FINALLY! Time to see what this girl's about! Does she speak? Is she intelligent?

She must've been nervous. We only had about a glass of wine, but she was fumbling through her music, not sure what I would like and had me choose. Luckily, she does listen to good music. Her room was also nice with tapestries hung on her walls and ceiling- making a tent around her bed. She had a tall, antique turquoise dresser she found in a barn, refinished and painted herself. I liked that.

It took about fifteen minutes for her to loosen up. It was then I realized she's not entirely ditzy. She's actually very academically smart- coincidentally, she has the same full-ride scholarship as my ex girlfriend. Which is also curious to me. 2 queer girls picked by the state for the same extensive scholarship? hmmm. She actually knows her too, and we realized we know a lot of the same people.

She's a geology major, about to graduate in the spring. Our next date is to university rock collection which is said to be one of the best on the American east coast. :) haha. I love shit like this.